As the word ‘toxic’ implies, being in this type of relationship can literally poison us, both mentally and physically. There are many different types of toxic relationships, and they vary in the degree of harm they cause, but most tend to fall into a few general categories.

• Unbalanced relationships. An unbalanced relationship is one where there is more give than take in one direction. This is a harmful relationship pattern, as one person will feel taken advantage of. It is also toxic for the person doing the ‘taking,’ as they are preventing themselves from becoming balanced and whole as an individual. They are choosing to behave as a ‘spoilt child,’ and their partner is assisting them in doing so.
  
• Controlling relationships. A controlling relationship is where one partner behaves in a manner that tries to keep the other within their power. This can take the form of smothering, domineering, and invasiveness. An excessive need to try and control the behavior of others is usually a sign of feeling deeply insecure, and out-of-control of one’s own life and self. An attempt to control a partner’s behavior will almost certainly create resentment, and ultimately rebellion.

• Obsessive relationships are where the relationship takes on an exaggerated sense of importance for one or both partners. When a person says that they ‘can’t live’ without their partner, this means that they are not really living their lives, but are looking to the relationship as their total reason for being. This type of relationship tends to be highly toxic, and if the obsessive partner doesn’t start learning to exist as an individual within the relationship, the relationship is destined to implode. It is a tremendous pressure for anyone to be made another person’s ‘whole world,’ and even though it may be flattering initially, the intensity can start to wear thin very quickly.

While the above types of relationships could be described as fundamentally dysfunctional, even healthy relationships can develop problems which left untended can become toxic.

A major element that can create toxicity even in a basically good relationship is a lack of clear, honest, and rational communication. When either person in a relationship is unwilling or unable to clearly and calmly state their needs, a build-up of emotion begins to occur. Given time, this suppressed emotion becomes increasingly toxic, and can cause harm to both parties and the relationship itself.

While it is not possible to change the behavior of anyone other than ourselves, it is possible, and important to become very clear on what we are and are not prepared to accept in terms of a partner’s behavior.

We can change our own reactions to the behavior that we encounter, and thereby, change the nature of the interactions that we experience. Rather than listening to a tirade from a partner and fuming silently, crying or shouting, we can calmly and rationally deal with the situation. By clearly stating our needs for the other person to calm down and/or to discuss the matter reasonably at another time, we can prevent or at least reduce the negative reaction that we may otherwise experience.

If you are in a situation where your partner is behaving very irrationally or threateningly you should not accept or justify this. There are times that the intervention of a close friend, a family member, or a counselor may enable you and your partner to defuse the situation enough to begin opening the channels of constructive communication.

There are other times that these toxic relationships are clearly based on long-standing mental, physical, or emotional abuse, and the partner inflicting the abuse is not ready, willing, or able to change their behavior. In the latter case, it is so important for you recognize that you should not, and do not have to be treated this way. You deserve to be treated with gentleness and respect, and you need to find the courage within you to believe this. With this belief you can seek the courage to break away from this type of relationship, however trapped you may feel at this point.

The reasons that people find themselves in toxic relationships vary, but very often the root cause is that they do not believe they deserve to be happy and to be treated well. Poor self esteem and negative beliefs about themselves and what is possible for them to have is what stops many people from breaking free from a pattern of unhealthy relationships.

Identifying the beliefs and behaviors that lead to toxic relationships and deciding to work at replacing these beliefs is one of the most important steps in ending relationship misery and creating the foundation for future happiness.

Gaining clarity on what you want and expect in a relationship is vital, as well as developing the conviction that it is your right to have these things, and that it is possible for you to have them.

Once you know what you want and don’t want, what you are prepared to accept, and what is unacceptable, you will be in a much stronger position to convey these expectations to your partner. You will also be in a position of greater clarity in determining whether your partner is willing and able to work with you in detoxifying your relationship, or whether your only healthy and loving option is to end the relationship.

By working on creating a healthy and loving relationship with the person that you will be with your whole life – yourself – transforming and avoiding toxic relationships with others will become a great deal easier. Start giving yourself the love and respect you deserve and you will see love and respect flowing to you and from you in all directions.

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