Without setting boundaries that are clear, well defined, and in tune with who we are as individuals, life and relationships can become a mine-field. Boundaries act as our own personal ‘rules-of-the-game,’ and allow us to respond more easily and authentically to situations than when we are trying to make it all up as we go along. Having boundaries takes a lot of guess-work out of dealing with the challenges and interactions that we experience in daily life. They make it easier for others to deal with us, too. Someone who has clearly defined boundaries tends to be a lot less erratic than someone who is flying by the seat of their pants.

The first aspect of setting boundaries is to be very clear on your own values, goals, and preferences. What is most important to you? Do you value trust, integrity, passion, adventure, connection, truth, challenge, commitment, excellence, connection, balance, satisfaction, vision, understanding, or wisdom? Take some time to ponder which values hold the highest places on your own personal list.

What do you want to achieve or experience in your life? Do you want a beautiful home, and a close circle of friends? Do you want travel and excitement? Do you crave loving family connections? Do you want a high-flying career? Do you desire challenge and creative fulfillment? Personally, I answered yes to all of these! The main thing is to have clarity about what you want in your life. This can be very helpful in setting boundaries, as when you know what you want, it is easier to tell whether a situation, opportunity, or request is in tune with your goals or not.

Another step towards setting boundaries is to know what you need in terms of personal time and space, and being willing to insist on these requirements being fulfilled. Do you feel best when you exercise for an hour alone every morning? Do you thrive from lots of social interaction? Do you need to get away into the great outdoors for an afternoon every week or so? Is it important for you to have your own personal workspace, or are you happy in a shared environment? Once again, there is no right or wrong, only personal choice and preference. Knowing what is important to you is the first step to getting those needs and desires met.

In the actual process of establishing boundaries, there are two basic areas to consider. The first is what other people expect from you and the other is what you expect from other people.

Let’s consider the first area which includes knowing how you want to respond to other people’s requests of you. When you have clearly self-defined ideas of what feels comfortable and reasonable for you in terms of doing things for others, it becomes simpler to respond in the moment when someone makes a request. If weekends are your sacred personal or family time, then obviously being asked to attend a less than important work-related meeting on a Sunday is something that you would probably want to politely decline.

When we look at setting boundaries in the context of what you expect from others, there are two key aspects to contemplate. One is being clear on what is reasonable for you to expect from others, and being willing to insist on these expectations being met. The other is knowing what behavior you are willing to tolerate from others.

Work out which of these are non-negotiable, and be willing to keep some flexibility in the ones that are not essential to you.

For example trust may be absolutely critical to you, and so a friend or lover betraying your trust is really crossing the boundaries for you. On the other hand, you may value punctuality highly, but consider a lapse in this area to be less of a ‘deal-breaker.’ It can help to sort boundaries and expectations into ‘vital,’ ‘important,’ ‘desirable,’ and ‘optional.’ While setting boundaries is very important for developing and maintaining our own self-esteem, and for having healthy and mutually rewarding relationships with others, it is also important not to become too rigid. There must always be room for human error, learning and growth; both our own, and that of others.

If someone is continually pushing your boundaries in a way that does not feel good to you, this is detrimental to both the relationship itself and to your self esteem. It can take a lot of courage to say ‘no, that is not okay,’ especially if you have a long-held habit of allowing behavior that you are uncomfortable with for the sake of keeping the peace. If setting boundaries is new to you, take it slowly and be patient with yourself, and the people around you who are not used to hitting a wall when they interact with you. Like any skill, it takes time and practice, and it tends to feel very strange at first.

Finally, here are two more key points to keep in mind for setting boundaries and implementing them effectively. The first is being willing to be consistent in the expectations you hold, and to take appropriate action if these actions are not met. Setting boundaries and not holding to them is like the government passing laws and not enforcing them; it is a pointless exercise.

Raising children is an area in which it is very easy to see the importance of being consistent, and having a clearly defined course of action if the boundaries are crossed. The course of action could be a warning, followed by placing the child in a corner (a bit harder to implement with a bad-tempered neighbor or colleague!).

If a child is chastised for certain behavior one day and then allowed it the next, the message becomes very confused, and the boundaries are pushed out of shape by the caregiver rather than the child. Clear and consistent boundaries help children (and adults!) feel secure and help to avoid confusion and misunderstanding.

This last important point often relates most strongly to setting boundaries in intimate relationships. When setting boundaries, it is important to take manipulation and emotional blackmail right out of the process. If needs and expectations are stated in a clear, straightforward and direct way, there is less chance of situations becoming emotionally fraught. Just say what you mean, firmly and kindly, and avoid using phrases like “if you loved me you would…” or “Sue’s partner never does XYZ.”

Setting boundaries can take some planning, some soul-searching, and a lot of patience and practice, but setting these boundaries is like building solid foundations for your dream home. Once they are in place, the glorious structure of your life and relationships can soar upwards to the sky.

If building alone is daunting, work with an architect. If setting boundaries alone is daunting, work with a coach! It just makes sense.

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