Most people, at least at some stages of their lives, experience the tendency to want to control life. The difference is in the degree of obsession that we feel about wanting and trying to control the various aspects of our lives.

In the most extreme situations- true control freak territory, the need to control can completely dominate one’s life. If you are desperately afraid of losing control, being ‘out of control,’ or going with the flow is a terrifying and alien concept, your need for control could be controlling you!

By trying too hard to control life, and refusing to let go of anything, we can create a terrible stressful and rigid life for ourselves. It is exhausting to try and control everything around us, and it doesn’t allow for relaxation or spontaneity.

It is also a certain way to create tension and frustration. The reality is that when it comes to life and change, we have very little control over what happens. Trying to control things which are impossible to control can make us feel totally out of control and stressed out.

Rather than being a control freak, a better way to live is to let go of that which is beyond our control, and put our energies into controlling what we can. The one thing over which we can always have control is ourselves. It is possible, and desirable, to control our attitudes, reactions, beliefs, and behavior.

Trying to control the outcome of a situation is not helpful. You can do everything within your power to create the outcome you desire. You can take positive physical steps to achieve a result. You can use affirmations to increase your magnetism to success. You can adjust your thoughts and your beliefs to encourage positive outcomes, but you mostly cannot make life follow your plans.

The same goes for trying to control other people. At times it may seem to be possible to manipulate and dominate others. This is not healthy for either the person ‘in control’ or the one being controlled. It will not create positive results for either person, and it is only a matter of time before the one being controlled gets fed up and either breaks away or becomes resentful and passive aggressive (showing aggression in subtle, underhanded ways).

Instead of trying to control the behavior of a partner or someone else in your life, focus on controlling how you respond to them. If you are unhappy with the way your partner is treating you, you can choose to respond to them calmly and firmly. This is much healthier, and more effective, than trying to manipulate or control them with threats, tears, or nastiness.

And while you can’t control the behavior of another person, you can certainly model an example of how you would like them to behave. If you want your partner to be thoughtful and respectful to you, make sure that you are showing them respect and consideration.

Ironically, the more we try to control things, the more out of control we feel. Because we can never control everything in life, it is only by letting go of the need to control, that we can feel that we are truly in control of ourselves.

The serenity prayer can be powerful in overcoming a need to overcontrol. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This can help us to accept and believe that there are some things in our lives that we can change or control, other things that we can’t, and that it truly takes wisdom to focus on the things that are within our control.

To avoid being a control freak, gently but diligently remind yourself that you cannot control everything, and that trying to do so is wasting valuable energy and causing frustration.

Focus on the things that you can control. It is within your power to control your happiness, your attitude, and your response to whatever life brings you.

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