My Decision to Adopt a Baby

Making the decision to adopt a baby is a huge life choice. It will shape your family forever.

There were a number of reasons that my husband, Ian, and I decided to adopt a baby as a way of creating our family. We have now made that choice three times, and we hope to adopt for the fourth time next year.

We have now had the absolute joy of being parents to our Taiwanese daughter, Jade, for almost five years. We also have two adopted sons; Benjamin aged three, and Daniel, who is 8 months old. Being a mother is by far the best and hardest job I have ever done. Becoming a mother through the miracle of transracial adoption is an experience beyond words.

When Ian and I met twelve years ago, we knew that there would be possible barriers to us becoming parents. Ian was already the father of three daughters, the youngest of them was 18 when Ian and I met. After the birth of his third daughter from his first marriage, Ian had undergone a vasectomy. He had assumed at the time that he wouldn’t be having any more children. We weren’t ready to start a family of our own at that point so we decided that if and when we were ready to become parents together, we would discuss the possible choices and make a plan.

After several years of marriage, and many adventures in our travels across Europe and Asia, we decided that it was time to begin seriously planning a family. I wanted to become a mother very much by that stage, so we started talking in earnest about how to have a baby.

Our general feeling was that the first step to take would be to try a vasectomy reversal. We knew that given the length of time between the original operation and the reversal, our chances were not great, but there was definitely some possibility of success.

We also discussed the other options, should this one prove unsuccessful.

Neither of us had any problem with the idea of adoption, I think my biggest qualm at that point was the thought that it would be a lengthy and possibly futile quest. That is often the case in Australia; couples wait years and years for a baby and sometimes give up. For us, adoption would not have even been a remote possibility back home, as Ian was already 50 at that time. According to Australian adoption law, if either spouse is 45 or over you will not even be considered as adoptive parents.

We vetoed the idea of fertility treatment if pregnancy didn’t occur naturally, due to the physical and emotional trauma involved.

We discussed the possibility of using a donor, but I was uncomfortable with that. I felt strongly that I wanted our biological relationship to our children to be equal- both of us genetically related to them, or neither.

Ian underwent a vasectomy reversal, and we started trying to conceive. It seemed that even if the operation had succeeded, conception would definitely take time. At this stage, six years later, I strongly suspect that conception will not happen for us. I have absolutely no problem with that now. My maternal cravings have been so wonderfully fulfilled by having my three precious babies.

Before we made the decision to adopt a baby though, I did a lot of soul-searching. I didn’t want to make such a huge decision before I was sure that it felt right to me.

I questioned myself deeply about how I would feel about a baby that bore me no resemblance and shared none of my genes. That question was answered by thinking of the love I had for my young students, and the fact that I would have gladly brought any one of them home.

I also considered the fact that an interracial family is different. I had to be sure that was a factor I would be prepared to live with. As with many of my other life choices, I realized that I was quite prepared to make a choice that was unconventional if I felt in my heart that it was the right choice.

From this analysis, I realized that my desire was not so much to bear a child, but to be a mother. To raise, nurture, and love a child.

Choosing to adopt a baby (three times) has been the best thing I have ever done- aside from marrying Ian of course!

My children are the love of my life. They are the most incredible blessing that I could imagine and I am thankful every day to the universe for bringing them into my life.

Whether you decide to adopt a baby or to bear a child, parenthood is the most amazing experience, and is a life choice I wouldn’t trade for the world.

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Not My Flesh and Blood But My Heart and Soul is the story of my jorney to motherhood through transracial adoption. To read a free extract of the book, please click here .

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